Coming Storm
by Mittonio
Summary: Laura Oakes is a detective. She's not very good. However, after a run in with a vampire, she accidentally stumbles into the Sorcerers world and into a certain Mr Pleasant.
1. The First Case

There's a storm coming. I can smell it in the air.

I can't actually , all I can smell is dirt and blood, but it sounded cool. There's a dead body in front of me. I nudge it with my foot. It used to be a woman, who had brown hair and an apparent penchant for disgusting tartan skirts. Now it's just an empty shell that has a deep gash across the neck and chest.

"Ew." I mutter as I inspect the wound.

Reaching into my satchel, I pull out a notebook and pen and begin to write.

_Woman, dead._

_In a forest whose name I can't remember, think it started with an E._

_Main suspect- Maybe a bear?_

I'm not sure if I can arrest bears, or maybe I have to call the RSPCA. A drop of rain lands on my forehead, and I look up to see a ceiling of grey above me.

"Oh bloody hell, I curled my hair." I whisper.

I'm starting to regret coming out to this forest at evening. I'm also starting to regret listening to that strange woman Enigma in that pub, because she had a ridiculous name and somehow knew about this body before the police. In hindsight, I should have maybe questioned that, but that's all water under the bridge now I guess. Plus, I did go in asking for cases, and this is by far the most exciting one so far.

"Okay, Laura, you want to be a detective, and that entails some weird stuff. Maybe I wasn't expecting it to be this weird, but I will just grit my teeth and bear it." I tell myself.

"Clues. Yes. That is what detectives need. Clues."

I start to stare at the ground, not entirely sure what to do. In CSI it looked so easy, but I can't see anything but mud and fungus. Suddenly, something sparkles in the corner of my eye. I walk towards the shiny object and scoop it up, examining it in my palm. It's a small silver cufflink, in a strange shape that looks a little like a Japanese character.

"Mm, that is probably useful. Not sure how, but it definitely means something."

Just as I am pocketing the cufflink, I feel a breeze directly behind me. Whirling around, I turn to see a devastatingly handsome man in a suit the colour of the night sky.

"I see you've found something of mine." He says, in a purr that sounds like sliding satin.

"Oh, the cufflink?" I ask, slightly taken aback by how blue his eyes are. They're like glaciers, cold but beautiful.

"You must be the girl Enigma sent." He says, smiling a little.

I grin. "Ah yes, Enigma. Silly name. Not bitching, I said it to her face. Don't think she took it very well though. Yep, she sent me, I'm a sort of detective in training. Are you here to, you know, help me chase leads, dust for fingerprints, that kind of thing?"

"I'm glad she sent someone a little weaker this time. A mortal. The last one put up a struggle, and what happened wasn't really my fault." He circles me as if he hadn't heard anything I had just said.

"I had desperately wanted one with magic, but I guess you will do for the time-being." Giving me the same look a lion gives to an antelope, he grins and looks up to the sky.

"It's night-time, little girl." He whispers. "Oh,I do love a chase."

I back away slowly. Clearly this man is insane, but he looks slight, so I reckon I could take him in a scuffle.

"L-Listen, I know karate. Yeah, all the moves. The swooping eagle, the crouching tiger. That one about a grasshopper." I stammer, not very convincingly it has to be said.

He reaches up to his head, and I start to think he's going to pull a gun from behind his head like Bruce Willis in Die Hard when he rips off his skin.

He rips off his skin like it's a plaster on a wound, suit and all, revealing a pale, black eyed, hulking creature.

The creature howls as it looks straight at me.

"Oh crumbs." I whisper, then I turn and sprint into the inky shadows of the forest, the creatures breath so near I can feel it on my neck.


	2. Turning a blind eye

I'm sprinting over fallen trunks and roots, that seem to be trying desperately to trip me.

"Oh sweet Jesus." I keep muttering as I try to outrun that godforsaken thing that's hairless, horrible and bloody fast. There are tears streaming down my cheek, tears I know are black from my mascara. All I can think is "Please don't let me die looking like an emo panda."

Suddenly a tree rushes up to meet me and I run straight into it. I'm knocked back onto the mossy ground and immediately the creature is above me, panting over my face. I see its huge canines, sharp and terrible.

"Hi." I plead to it. "Hi, you're like really hot when you put your skin back on. So maybe instead of eating me or whatever you want to do, why don't we go get coffee instead?"

The black eyes above me don't show any response. There is no light in them. They're as dead as the woman we left behind.

Looking around desperately for some means of escape, I spot a sharp twig. Darting my hand out to try and grab it, the creature jabs with its claw to catch my arm. It pins my arms down, and I can feel a wetness on my elbow, so I assume the thing cut me.

It sniffs my neck, and I try to squirm away, but it's too strong. Just as I am preparing myself for whatever awful thing is about to happen, I see a bright light over the creatures shoulder.

The creature turns its head away from me to hiss at the source of the light, and it loosens its grip. I take the opportunity to grab the twig. It turns its head back to me, and I push the sharp end of the stick up. Straight into its eye.

The creature makes a screaming noise, and then suddenly it's on fire. I scramble away from it, and watch as it scampers back into the darkness, the bright flames leaving a glowing trail behind it.

The light from before is getting closer and closer, and I try to stand but my legs feel frozen. Peering up I see a figure wearing a long coat, a figure whose face is covered by a scarf and sunglasses. In one gloved hand a clout of fire twists and dances, and in the other is a shiny black pistol.

"H-Hello, please don't set me on fire as well." I say, looking around for another stick.

"I don't intend to at this moment in time." The voice is definitely of a man.

I stare at him. "Okay." I say.

"Come on, he's going to come back." The man slides his hands under my arms and lifts me up. He's alarmingly thin.

He jogs ahead of me, and we run in silence for a few minutes. I'm not entirely sure of how he knows where he's going, or why I'm trusting him. Still, it's better than staying in the forest with that creature.

We finally reach the outskirts of the woods, and I spy a black Bentley parked on the small road. The man opens the door and gets in, and I follow suit. Then he starts to drive.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to question you. I am a detective, so there is nothing to worry about." he says. "It's simple protocol, nothing personal, but if you lie I may have to shoot you." He states this in a jovial tone, and I'm not sure whether to take it seriously or not.

"Let us start from the beginning, shall we?" He asks. "What is your name?"

"Laura Oakes."

"Pleasure to meet you Miss Oakes. Now that strange creature that was recently pursuing you was a vampire. Normally I would simply send you on your way home, however you made the minute mistake of blinding him, which he will not take to kindly at all. Now ,Miss Oakes, vampires are like elephants..."

I am completely lost, in this talk of vampires and elephants, but I try to put my brain in order.

"They never forget?" I ask dubiously.

"Correct. Therefore, you're in a bit of a predicament, as our vampire will not stop until he gets you, so to speak."

"Oh. That's not very good."

"Astute."

"So vampires are a thing? Except not like Dracula?"

"Yes."

"Um, well, can I have some of your gloves please? You know, they make fire somehow, and that seemed pretty effective."

"No."

"Well, if this thing comes for me, it would be a little nice to have something to fight with. Or am I going to go into witness protection?"

"No, you can't have them because they don't make fire."

He sighs, and removes the leather gloves slowly, laying them on the dashboard. At first I think he is absurdly pale, but then I realise no-one could be that white.

He removes the sunglasses, the scarf, the frizzy wig until I am staring at a skeleton.

The skeleton looks at me and says "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance Miss Oakes. My name is Skulduggery Pleasant."


	3. Skeletons can't run

I start wheezing with laughter. I put my fingers over my eyes and then take them away. The skeleton is still there. I put my hand on the car handle and turn it, and now I'm out of the car, and now I'm jogging away. I turn around. The skeleton is jogging after me. That's weird, I know skeletons can't run, well, not without muscles. That's something you get taught in primary school, along with 2 is an even number and you shouldn't squeeze hamsters.

"Miss Oakes, please stop. I give you my most serious word I wont harm you. Ill even swear on the bible." the skeleton calls after me, even though it doesnt appear to have vocal cords.

It pauses and adds " I don't actually have a bible with me, but its the thought that counts."

I stop and turn.

"Yep." I whisper "The skeleton is still there."

"My dear Miss Oakes, I like to think I am more than just 'the skeleton'. I am a bona fida gentleman, imbued with the charisma and wit of an 18th century French count."

"Yes but you are a skeleton. Like that is probably the key fact about yourself."

"I would much rather it be my surprising, yet inevitably phenomenal skill at woodcarving, but yes. I am a skeleton."

The skeleton slowly walks up to me, and gingerly places a bony hand on my shoulder, and begins to pat me.

"There there." It mumbles

I stare at it.

It removes its hand.

"I do apologise, I'm just never sure what to do when I reveal myself to time, on a particularly rough night I simply shouted "Yes. I am a skeleton" them. You know, tough love."

The trees around us sway softly in the night breeze, and I stare up into their darkened branches and take a deep breath.

"Okay. I think I'm okay..."

I look at him.

"...Mr. Pleasant."

He smacks his hands together and even though his skull is forever held in a permanent grin, the smile somehow gets deeper.

"Splendid."


	4. Vampires and Chainsaws

The man with the icy eyes bleeds ferociously onto his marble throne. A beautiful woman with scarlet hair that reaches her calves daubes blue cream onto his face, and he hisses like a cat caught in the rain.

"That little bitch!" The statement explodes from his mouth.

"She ruined it! She's ruined it all!"

The woman tuts and lightly turns his face to inspect his wound. The once crystal clear eye is gone, leaving behind an empty ragged mess of red blood and purple bruises.

"Well, she was only a mortal. If you can't handle even that, perhaps you've bitten off a little more than you can chew, Alistair"

The woman's voice is sweet like summer rain, yet her tone malicious and cold, like a razor blade in a toffee apple. She puts down the pot of cream and pulls out of the sleeve of her white, swirling robes a small, extremely sharp knife. The hilt is shining gold, encrusted with blood red jewels, and the blade is long and comes to a finely tapered point.

"Hold still now. And don't cry." she says, holding his jaw firmly in place with one delicate and pale hand.

Using the blade, she draws a tiny symbol under the mess of his eye socket. She brings the knife away, and the symbol glows red for a second before fading completely. The gore and blood also disappears, leaving a neat but still empty hole.

She violently presses a kiss against where the symbol once was and exclaims "Don't say I don't do anything for you."

Turning away from Alastair, she casts her eyes over the multitude of vampires that fill the hall in which they sit.

"Now. How to make her death as painful as possible. Perhaps a chainsaw this time?"


	5. Knife in the back

Skulduggery Pleasant sits on my tiny, beige sofa and attempts to look like he should be there.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" I inquire.

"On the account of having no throat with which to swallow, I will have to respectfully decline."

"Oh. Of course."

I slide onto the maroon armchair and try to smile. The sun is rising, and it splatters its amber and red hues onto the pale clouds like a water colour painting.

"Miss Oakes, if you could tell me what you already know, so I don't waste time in my much anticipated explanation?"

"Um, okay, sure. So there are vampires. One is coming after me. You can make fire. And are a skeleton."

"Good to see you have been paying full attention. Now, to be blunt, at this point I would take you to the Sanctuary, get your memory wiped."

"Like Men in Black?"

He looks at me. "I'm not sure what that is, but if they wipe memories then sure."

"Anyway," he hurriedly continues "I shall have to take you to the Sanctuary, to explain this whole sticky situation. There are more official people, they should be able to take you off my hands, help you not get killed. They also have magic. Just a casual warning. So, in the time we have, may I ask what you were doing in a forest at midnight?"

"You'll laugh."

"Probably."

"Okay, well you know how you're a detective?"

"I am aware of this fact."

"That's what I want to be. Except I'm terrible." I sigh heavily.

"In Nancy Drew it looked so easy. Cases came to her. She got to go to different countries, meet hot men. So when this woman in a pub told me there was a dead body in the woods, that the police didn't know about, what was I supposed to do? Leave it?"

"Yes. That is what you are supposed to do."

"Okay, Debby downer, you're probably right."

"Definitely right"

"Anyway. I had to take it, because I know my flatmates think I'm hopeless, and so do my parents."

Standing, I sling my small bag off the table and over my shoulder.

"Shall we leave?" He inquires.

"Probably, my flatmates will be coming back pretty soon. Your disguise isn't really that discreet under bright lights."

"I think it's rather good, actually. The wig somehow conveys aspects of my personality."

I nod unconvincingly.

"You won't be coming back here for a while. Do you have everything you need?"

"Toothbrush, pyjamas and spare underwear, oh my."

He slips his hat back on and stands. I open the door and there is the man-monster from last night.

"Hey, look at that you're hot again." I stammer.

"Your eye doesn't look great though, on account of it not being there. Sorry about that. But you should really thank me, it adds character. You can wear an eye patch, and girls love eye patches. I babble when I'm nervous. I should stop, but you're probably here to kill me and that makes me so anxious, you have no idea."

He lunges at me, and then suddenly Skulduggery is in front of me. He whips a pistol out of seemingly nowhere, and shoots twice, but the vampire dodges with inhuman speed. Which is probably because he's not human. The bullets enter the stained wall behind him with a bang.

Suddenly a hand closes over my mouth and another circles around my neck and brings something that feels suspiciously like a knife to my throat. I feel the hand move, and then there is a prick on my shoulder. I try to jump away but the hand drags me back. Skulduggery Pleasant is now hurling flames at the vampire.

The hand seems to be carving something onto my shoulder, and it doesn't hurt too much, so I suppose I should feel glad. The knife comes away, and then the world becomes blurry, and darkens. I see flames whizz past my head, I hear a woman shriek, and then there is nothing.


End file.
